


(I Would Do) Anything For You

by Ivrigasked



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, References to Depression, post-carry on
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-22
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2020-12-28 00:09:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21127544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ivrigasked/pseuds/Ivrigasked
Summary: Simon's not a mage anymore. Baz is as eloquent as ever. Penelope is done with their shit.A story of loss, heartbreak, and inevitable confession.





	1. Paradise

**Author's Note:**

> Hiiiiii!!!!!!!
> 
> I'm SO excited to be posting this. I finished both books over the weekend (I know, I binge-read) and after setting Wayward Son down, I knew I had to write these lovely boys (And Penny). I'm not sure how quickly I'll be able to post updates for this as it is the middle of a semester but I love to procrastinate, so who knows!
> 
> With that being said - this story is post-Carry On, but diverges from the story in Wayward Son. There's no road trip, instead they stay in London and attend university. It's just good old fashion fluffy fluff (and also some angst, because who would I be if I didn't include some of that). They're still dancing around each other like nobodies business, but that's part of the charm, right? I did however use a few of the small facts that Rainbow gives us in the first chapter of Wayward Son, as to not get too terribly far out of canon. 
> 
> Also, future chapters will be longer, but I wanted to keep this one short and sweet before diving into what I really want to do with this story. Once I have that figured out, I'm sure I'll also update the chapter count, so keep an eye out for that. 
> 
> Okay, without further ado~~ Please enjoy!

**BAZ **

He knows. He _ has _ to know. The bloody bastard has to be perfectly aware of the fact that I’d go crashing into him at any given moment, provided an opportunity. Hell, I’d been trying to keep myself from doing so every day at Watford. But he isn’t. And I think that’s what I love about him the most. 

For the better part of 8 years I’ve pined after Simon Snow, and not once has he ever expected anything from me, other than an occasional snide remark or a fist to the nose (an accident, but he thinks otherwise). He lives loudly, his presence unforgiving, and nothing has changed even after the fire inside him went out, because the light never did. Simon Snow is a ferocious flame, a constant current of magnetic energy, a bountiful river of crystal water. And I’m endlessly cold, iron, and thirsty. 

He’s gotten so much better since Christmas. He seems happier, he laughs at Bunce’s increasingly stupid jokes, and he even lets me be soft in public (but only a little). The magickal counselor Professor Bunce referred him to has done wonders, not only for helping Snow move past the Humdrum incident, but also his own personal troubles. He’s more confident, he doesn’t slouch (most of the time), and he seems to smile almost constantly. He’s radiant and it’s so, so beautiful. 

Right now Snow is sitting in the quad with me, under the welcome shade of a large tree. He’s got a textbook in his lap and he’s staring intensely down at it; his tongue peeking out at the corner of his mouth. He’s concentrating, I think, but then again I’ve never known Snow to be able to concentrate on anything for a prolonged period of time. I’m staring, I know I am, but the sun is hitting his hair just the right way, and his freckles are just so cute, and—

“Stop staring at me, Baz,” Snow says, not looking up from the page. 

“How do you know I’m staring at you?” 

“I can feel your eyes.” 

“Concentrate on your studying, Snow.” 

“I’m _ trying _ to,” he groans and looks up at me. “But you’re distracting me.” 

“I haven’t done anything.” I smirk. He rolls his eyes and aims to shove me, but I lean away just in time to avoid his elbow. 

“Doesn’t mean you haven’t thought about doing something.” 

“That’s not the same thing and you know it.” I laugh at his frown. He knows I don’t take him seriously at times like these. “But you aren’t incorrect.” 

“I knew it.” He sighs and makes eye contact with me again. “Shouldn’t you be working on something? Isn’t that why were sitting outside?” 

“We’re sitting outside because the weather is lovely.” 

“No, we’re sitting outside because you like how my hair looks in the sun.” He mocks. I let out a dry laugh, and he knows that I know I’ve been caught. 

“I was working on something for Econ, but I finished, so I thought I’d get a fair bit of gazing at my boyfriend in.” 

“Merlin, you’re shameless.” He laughs. 

“Am I?” I smirk and he rolls his eyes again before returning to his book. I smile at him, knowing he won’t see it, and pull my phone out of my pocket to scroll through Instagram. 

Agatha looks like she’s having a fantastic time in California, despite being a skittish wimp. I don’t blame her for running, honestly. If it hadn’t been Simon in that chapel, I wouldn’t have even gone near it. But moving all the way to California and leaving her wand behind? That’s simply an act of cowardice. Not to mention she didn’t even say goodbye. She just stole the dog and left. 

I wonder absently sometimes if Simon misses her. I mean obviously he misses her, we all do, but I mean as a girlfriend specifically. I’d like to revel in the knowledge of him being happier with me, but that’s the thing. I just don’t know. We don’t talk about it, we never really have. We call each other boyfriends, do normal relationship stuff, and the makeout sessions are sublime, but we often just skate around actual conversations about defining the relationship. 

I know it’s not a matter I should press. I’ve told him time and time again I’ll take whatever he’s willing to give me, and I’m over the moon about it regardless. So I don’t press. 

The good news is, his newfound not-straightness is something he’s been working on with his counselor, and he’s come into the habit of calling himself a “baz-sexual”, which is both highly pleasing and highly entertaining. Both myself and Bunce get a kick out of that one. 

I take another glance at Snow, and his time, he’s staring at me. 

“Who’s shameless now?” I tease. He frowns. 

“There’s a bug in your hair,” He says flatly. 

“Why haven’t you gotten it out yet then?” I ask him, running my free hand through my fringe. 

“I was seeing how long it would take you to notice,” He answers, this time with a quirk at the corner of his mouth. 

“You’re laughing at me, aren’t you, Snow?” 

“Not yet.” He grins cheekily. 

“You absolute twit.” I say, sitting up with the intention to tackle him, but he shoves his textbook into the grass and gets to his feet before I can grab him. 

“Nice try, Baz.” 

“Snow, you and I both know you’ll lose this game.” I grin wickedly. He smiles wide and juts his chin toward me, cocking his head playfully to the side. So handsome. 

“But it sure is fun to try, isn't it?” 

And that’s how I spent my afternoon - chasing my adorably clumsy boyfriend around the quad, letting him win, tiring him out, and then tackling him to the ground with a barrage of kisses. 

I didn’t hear him complain. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you soo soo much for reading.  
Comments and kudos make my day.  
If you'd like, you can follow me on twitter @cold_ramen, or on tumblr @captain-sass-pants 
> 
> See you soon!


	2. No Lesser

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Self-doubt is nothing but a fucking numpty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya, and welcome back!  
I had this done last Tuesday, but I didn't want to seem too eager. I know the last chapter was small, but this chapter is longer, and the other ones after this will be even longer still!  
I struggled a bit with the differing perspectives in this chapter -- I find Baz particularly difficult to write because he's so taciturn, but regardless, I hope he comes across okay!  
Another note: I'm painfully American, so if some stuff is spelled wrong or insults don't seem quite British enough, that's why! Please let me know if you have any advice on that matter, I could probably use the assistance! 
> 
> As always, please enjoy.

**SIMON**

Mornings aren’t really the same anymore. I’ve gotten used to having wings, mostly. I’ve ruined a lot of decorations in our flat, and I've whacked both Penny and Baz more often than I’m willing to admit, but I’m more aware of them at the very least. Penny spells them away for me every morning with the one she made up just for this purpose so I can function like a normal person, but it makes it difficult if I want to stay at school late and study or see a movie with Baz. Penny’s been working on teaching him the spell, but he doesn’t fully understand the reference so it's taking a bit longer than usual. It’s much more comfortable this way, you know, without them, but I hate feeling like a chore; like they have to babysit me. Not having my own magic sucks. 

It’s been almost a year now since I gave all my magic to the Humdrum. Or, “sacrificed it” as Baz likes to say. It doesn’t feel like a sacrifice though - I feel like the term implies I would have gained something, and I don’t think the wings count. I don’t know how to be a Normal. Or at least, I don’t know how to be a mage with no magic. 

Baz on the other hand is thriving, completely in his element. He loves his major, he loves his classes, and he even loves his homework. Which I guess doesn’t surprise me that much since he was always first in our class. He’s got a great handle on the vampire thing now too, ever since he put himself on a regular feeding schedule. Thankfully, no one on campus has noticed the lack of local fauna. He’s still stunningly handsome, unfairly so, and I think he gets better looking by the day. His dark hair is almost past his shoulders now, and sometimes he’ll let Penny braid it while we hang out at home. Despite his cold exterior, Baz is a very gentle, caring person. He’s warmed up significantly over the last year. It's really too bad that I spent the previous 8 years of my life hating him, we could have been together years ago. He makes me happier than I’ve ever been, but I often find myself wondering I do the same for him? Or is my normalness just dragging him down? 

He looks serene with a book in his hand. Elegant, even. The fine bones of his fingers are splayed across the back of the cover as he holds it up in front of his face. He’s sitting in our armchair, the one Penny’s mom bought us, and he looks like a statue fit for a museum. I’m lying on the couch next to him, admiring the view. 

“Baz?” I ask, almost too quietly, but I know he hears me. 

“Yes, Snow?” He replies, turning his face toward me and letting his hand fall to the armrest. 

I don’t say anything, I just frown. I don’t know how, I never know how to articulate the way everyone else does. My words always fall short. Everything I do falls short. 

“Are you okay?” He frowns then, his eyes searching my face. “You look sad.” 

“I think I am sad,” I sigh. 

“Why?” He asks, then he closes his book and sets it on the coffee table. “Do you want to talk about it?” He rises, and comes to sit on the couch by my outstretched legs. I pull them back and sit up, giving him room. His frown deepens. 

“I guess…” I sigh. “I…” 

“We don’t have to talk about it if you don't want to. We can just make popcorn and watch Dr. Who,” 

“No, I…” I shake my head, trying to clear my thoughts. How is it possible to think about so many things and nothing at all, simultaneously? “I want to. I just don’t know how to say it,” 

“Say what, Snow?” His expression hardens. I can almost feel him tense, like strings on his violin. 

I take a deep breath. “Am I...enough?” I grimace, sighing. It feels dumb to ask. 

“What?” He gapes, his eyes wide in surprise. “Are you enough? Enough for what?” 

“Enough for...this?” I answer, waving my hand around. “Enough for you.” 

“Oh, Simon,” Baz sighs and runs a hand through his hair. It falls into his eyes perfectly. Bastard. “What's brought this on?” 

“Well, you did,” He scowls. That was a bad answer. 

Baz scoffs. “ _ I did _ ? What did I do?” 

“No, that’s not what I meant--” I try to recover, but I fail. Baz looks angry. 

“Tell me what you meant, Snow,” 

“I’m trying to, Baz, please,” I stutter, and I see him take a deep breath. His hands are folded tightly in his lap and his back is stiff. 

“Go on, then,” He says cooly. I sigh, and try to gather my thoughts. 

“I know we’ve been over this, probably too many times at this point, but I just can’t shake the feeling that you would be happier with another magician. I’m not a mage anymore, not really. I gave it up,” 

“Simon,” Baz whispers, but I shake my head at him and he closes his mouth.

“I know you’ve told me that I sacrificed it, so I didn’t really fail, but it sometimes feels like I’m failing constantly. I feel like you and Penny have to keep an eye on me, watch out for me. I just don’t want to be a burden,” I say, my eyes welling. I close them. I can’t cry in front of Baz. We’re quiet for a few moments, then he breaks it. 

“May I say something now?” He asks gently. I nod. I feel him take my hand but I still can’t open my eyes. He takes a deep breath, then: “Just because you can’t cast spells anymore or siphon your magic through other people doesn’t make you less of a person, Simon. And you’re definitely not a fucking burden, for Crowley’s sake.” He sighs, and starts rubbing circles into my knuckles. “You were an incredible mage, and now you get to be whatever you want. You get to decide, and no one gets to tell you what to do, who to fight, or what path to follow. Those choices are all yours, for the first time in your life. But that doesn’t make you lost, Simon, that just means there's a world of possibilities ahead of you. And nothing would please me more than to be beside you wherever you decide to go,” 

I can feel the tears on my cheeks, so now it’s pointless to keep my eyes closed. When I open them, Baz it sitting in front of me with my hands in his, and he’s staring at me. His expression isn’t one of pity, but instead it’s something different. Pained, perhaps. Definitely sad. I hate making Baz sad. I sniff, and he brings one of my hands up to his lips, kissing the top of it gently. 

“I don’t deserve you,” I whisper and he laughs wistfully. 

“I don’t know about that, Snow,” He smiles, but it doesn't meet his eyes. “I waited eight years to get my hands on you, you’d have to put a stake through my heart if you wanted to get rid of me.” 

I feel the laugh bubbling in my stomach before it even reaches my mouth. It’s always like this with Baz. Serious one minute, then he’s got me rolling around in a fit of giggles the next. I think I might be in love with him. 

“There you are,” He smiles, genuinely this time, and his eyes sparkle. He puts a hand around my neck and pulls my mouth to his. He doesn’t care about the salt from the tears, he always kisses me after an intense conversation. It’s how we come back to each other, it’s how we make sure we’re okay. Merlin, I hope we’re okay. 

**BAZ**

Simon worries me sometimes, when he gets too serious. That’s how things are with him, it’s never a sliding scale. It’s either one side of the coin or the other. Sometimes, it feels like whiplash. Even with all the therapy, he still gets these little fits of self-doubt. Bunce and I do our best to guide him through them, but it’s hard not to feel wounded afterwards. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade it for the world, but the aftermath can be trying. Not quite as trying as sucking my family’s entire Hampshire estate into a black hole, but difficult nonetheless. 

I can only kiss so much life back into him after moments like these, and sometimes even Dr. Who can’t cure the sadness, but it’s better than nothing and it’s a hell of a lot better than where we used to be. 

“Baz?” He says into my shoulder. 

“Hmm?” 

“Thank you.” He whispers. But I can always hear him. 

“You’re welcome, Simon. Always.” I reply, and kiss the top of his plush curls. 

** The next day:  **

**SIMON**

Today feels different. After last night, I'm left feeling raw and sad. It tends to be a common occurrence after I get upset. All in all, I think I need to give Baz some space. Call it: room to grow. Grow out of me or away from me, if he needs to. I’m all he’s known for the past eight years, even when we hated each other. Last night felt like a step in a good direction, but he’ll always be right there to catch me. I'm nothing but just another weight on his shoulders. 

He’s been texting me all day, because I think a little bit of left over worry is still lingering after last night, but I haven’t responded. I called Carolyn, my therapist, this morning and we’ve got a Skype session scheduled for this afternoon. Maybe she’ll be able to talk me out of this funk, or whatever it might be. 

On a different note, a couple of people from my Ethics class asked if I wanted to go to a show with them later, and I told them I’d think about it. I don’t know if Penny will be able to refresh the wing spell before then and I don’t want them to pop out while I’m with Normals, but it might be nice to be around regular people for a bit. I’m a regular person now too, right? Could be a good opportunity to get my mind off things for a little while. 

** Later that ** ** evening:  **

I cancelled my call with Carolyn. I turned my phone off, it wouldn’t stop ringing. 

* * *

**BAZ**

I haven’t seen Simon Snow in four days. I think he’s avoiding me. He’s ignoring my phone calls and my texts. Bloody fucking prat. 

  
  


**SIMON**

The people from my Ethics class are actually so interesting. They’re Normals of course, but it doesn’t feel any different. If anything, it's a nice change of pace. There’s no pressure to talk about magic, which is great, and even on the occasions I say something even remotely magickal, they just scrunch their faces at me and look confused. I can understand now why Agatha used to spend so much time with them over summer. 

I haven’t talked to Baz in four days. I feel guilty, of course I do. I just don't know what to say to him. I don't know how to describe how I'm feeling, or even if I'm feeling something at all. But distance makes the heart grow fonder, right? He’s still my boyfriend, right? Of course he is. We’re still good. Right? 

“Hey, you good mate?” Hunter asks me. I look up and he’s frowning at me, like he’s concerned. He’s got blond hair like Agatha. It’s too bright. 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” I respond, and turn my attention back to my book. We’re sitting under the tree I like in the quad. _The one I normally sit under with Baz when the suns out_. I’m trying not to think too much about it.

“Simon, you should come with us to Hampshire this weekend, Nathan’s family has a totally posh house out there and his parents are going away on holiday, so it’ll be completely empty.” Sophie says. She’s smiling, and using her hand to shield her eyes from the sun. I smile back at her, but I know they’re not convinced. Hampshire is the last place I’d ever go, but they don’t know that. Not after what happened last year. Not after almost killing Baz and his entire family. 

“I’ll think about it.” I reply. 

“Are you sure you’re doing okay, Simon? You look absolutely knackered. Maybe you should go home and take a nap.” Nathan says. “We can tell Professor Lewis that you aren’t feeling well.” 

“No, that’s okay. I’m fine. Thank you though.” 

“Sure thing, mate.” Nathan replies, nodding. 

I look back down at my book, and try to concentrate. 

“So, how’d you get your curls, Simon?” Sophie asks. I know she’s trying to be nice. I look up at her, and she’s playing with her own dark, pin straight hair. I don't know if it's naturally that way, or if she irons it. 

“They’re natural. I don’t know who gave them to me.”  _ Baz loves them _ .

“I wish my hair curled like this,” Hunter says, pulling on a ringlet by my ear. It sends an unpleasant shiver down my back. 

“Hard to manage,” I shrug. “I wouldn’t recommend them.” They all laugh. I chuckle, but it feels weird. There’s movement behind Sophie’s head so I turn to look.  _ Oh no _ . It’s Baz, standing with his jaw tight and his arms crossed. He's staring at me. _I shouldn’t have let this go on for this long. I need to apologize. I need to make things right. _

“What are you looking at, Simon?” Hunter asks. I ignore him, throwing my textbook into the grass and standing up. Baz is already walking away, but I shout his name anyway. I know he hears me, but he doesn’t stop. For the first time in almost a year, Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch is walking away from me. 

**BAZ**

I’m going to kill Snow, granted I can ever fucking find him. He doesn’t just get to cry in my arms, and then disappear for four days. Even Bunce says she hasn’t seen him much. Says he asks for the spell for his wings in the morning and then is gone until late. She said he’s been hanging out with some blokes from one of his classes. She looked sad when she said it, deathly sad in fact. I actually feel bad for her, and I never thought I’d say that. What does Snow think he’s doing? 

It’s too sunny today, of course. It’s only increasing my already sour mood. It’s the kind of day where Snow would ask me to sit outside with him in the grass. _Obviously_. 

It takes me awhile to get to the center quad, as this school is massive as hell, but I eventually find my way towards what could be considered a small public park. The space is huge. Really, it’s unnecessary. The tree Snow likes best is off towards the left, on the far side of where I usually come out after my second class. We eat lunch, shoot the shit, and sometimes we even make-out. I miss making out with Snow. 

He’s easy to spot. I’d know those bronze curls anywhere. He’s sitting away from the trunk, facing someone, but I can’t see who it is. Or rather, several someones. As I get closer I can see theree people, all with their attention on him. _Of course, because he's captivating._ There's a boy with much too bright yellow hair sitting to his left, smiling at him. He reminds me of Agatha. How incredibly unsettling. What’s worse? Agatha’s twin is pulling at Snow’s hair,  _ playfully _ . I’m gonna fucking kill that wannabe Agatha Wellbelove, but not right now. Right now? I’m gonna go rip the heads off of some rabbits. 

I hear Simon yell my name, of course. I always hear Simon. But this time I don’t turn around. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ended it here because it felt right. A lot happens next and it didn't feel right to make this chapter like, 10,000 words, so you get a cliffhanger.  
Thank you so much for reading!  
Please let me know what you think so far, comments and kudos MAKE MY DAY!  
Next chapter should be up next Monday! K love you, bye!


	3. Take It Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something beautiful in the fallout.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, welcome back! 
> 
> I hope everyone had a good Halloween!   
I'm posting a day early this week because I have like 12 assignments due before Wednesday so I need to spend most of my time cracking down on those. I don't have much else to say this week except for thank you, so please enjoy!

**Penelope**

Simon hasn’t left the couch in two days, and he refuses to tell me what’s wrong. He just keeps muttering ‘I'm fine,’ and then squeezing a pillow so tight I think it might burst. I don’t know what changed, but I think it has something to do with Baz. I haven’t seen him around since he found me at school on Wednesday, looking tragic, and he hasn’t replied to any of my texts. I want to know if they fought, or what they might have fought about, but neither of them will tell me. I know it’s really none of my business, and I’m tempted to spell Simon into a better mood, but that’s just manipulation and I know it’s wrong. Not to mention that he’d be absolutely furious if I did. But I’ve nearly had enough of the sulking. 

“Simon,” I call from the kitchen. It’s Sunday night, for Morgana’s sake. I’ve given him the whole weekend to sulk. But now I need answers and he needs a shower. 

“What?” He replies, his voice muffled by the pillow. I take a deep breath and steady myself for what could possibly turn into a full-on blow out as I carry a hot mug of tea into the living room. Simon looks up at me, and his brow furrows. 

“A peace offering,” I say, holding the mug out for him to take. After a beat, he does. 

“Why?” 

“Because even though you don’t want to, you need to tell me what’s going on,” I say, before sitting down on the coffee table. Simon sighs, then rolls his eyes. 

“You’re right, I don’t want to talk about it, and I’m regretting taking this tea,” He groans, but then takes a sip anyway. 

“Does it have something to do with Baz? Did you two have a row?” I ask gently. I can see sadness flicker through his face, and even if it was only briefly, I know I’m right. 

“No, we didn’t fight. At this point I’m kind of wishing we had,” He says, pulling himself up straight. “I’ve been...keeping my distance.” 

“What?” I gape. That’s not what I was expecting. “Why? Did he do something wrong? You know I’ll kill him if he hurt you--” 

“No, Pen, he didn’t do anything. It was me.” He explains, visibly deflating. “I’ve been avoiding him because I think he could be happier with someone else.” 

“Simon, you can’t be serious,” I sigh. “We both know that’s not true. Basil’s been obsessed with you since third year.” 

“But that was when I was a mage, Penny. And I’m not a mage anymore.” 

“Oh, Simon,” I sigh again. “But you’re still you. And he still adores you, you have to know that. Have you ever known Basilton Pitch to do something he didn’t want to do?” 

“No, but what if he’s only with me because he pities me?” 

“You think Baz would stay with you out of pity?” 

“I don’t know, Penny!” Simon groans. He runs a hand over his face and leans back into the couch. 

“Yes you do, Si. You know him, and he knows you. You need to talk to him, and you two need to clear this up. You’ll feel a lot better once you do.” 

“How do you know?” 

“Because you’re my best friend and I know how unbelievably thick you can be sometimes. Also he’s worried about you. Has been all week.” 

“You’ve talked to him?” 

“Not since Wednesday, but he seemed upset when I told him you were hanging out with those people from Ethics.” 

“Yeah, he saw me sitting with them on Friday. He looked absolutely fuming.” 

“Why would he be mad if you were just sitting with them?” 

“Well, Hunter was kind of...playing with my hair? It’s not like I was encouraging it or anything, Sophie had only just asked and Hunter had taken it upon himself to  _ touch me _ \--”

“Okay, Simon, calm down,” I say, reaching out to put a hand on his arm. “Just find Baz and explain. He’ll believe you. He probably just read the situation wrong.” 

“No, I think he read it right. Hunter was definitely flirting with me, and I feel guilty because I didn’t do anything to stop him, and I should have. I tried to go after Baz when he started walking away, but he ignored me when I called his name.” 

“Maybe he didn’t hear you?” I shrug. Simon looks at me, raising his eyebrows. “Oh, right. Vampire hearing.” 

“I need to figure this out. I don’t want to keep feeling this way.” 

“Call Carolyn, I’m sure she’d be able to help.” I say. Simon shrugs. 

“Okay, can’t hurt.” He says, and goes to his room. 

**Simon **

I haven’t slept in my own room in days. I’ve been sleeping on the couch because even my bed feels frustratingly empty without Baz, even though he doesn’t stay over every night. I think it’s not knowing when or if he’ll be back.

I text Carolyn, asking if we can video chat, and she replies almost immediately with a “YES.” Carolyn is laid-back, and only a few years older than me, which makes her incredibly easy to talk to. She told me she went into mage therapy right after University, and I’m slightly jealous of her confidence. 

I set up my laptop on my desk, and power up Skype. She answers on the second ring. 

“Hey, Simon! I was wondering when I was going to hear from you again after Tuesday.”

“Hi, yeah.” I shrug. “Um, there’s something I’ve been needing to talk about actually.” 

“Well, I figured this wasn’t a casual Sunday night chat! What’s going on?” She smiles warmly. 

“It’s about Baz. Well, and about Penelope too, I guess. I just--” I stop, taking a deep breath. Carolyn stares patiently, still smiling softly. “I feel like a burden on them. Their lives would be so much easier if they didn’t have to be my crutches all the time. I feel like I’m just using them to skate by as a Normal, but I don’t feel like one.” 

“Okay. Have they told you they feel used by you?” 

“No, not exactly.” 

“What have they told you?” 

“Baz tells me that I’m not a burden, that I could never be one. He says that my loss has just opened more doors for my future. And Penny says that I’m being ridiculous.” 

“Do you think they’re lying?” 

“No, but--” I stop, not sure what to say. 

“Baz is your boyfriend, and Penelope is your best friend. Do you trust them enough to tell you the truth? Do you think they wouldn’t tell you if you felt like a burden to them?” 

“No, I trust them. They’re the only people I trust.” 

“Then take what they’re saying at face value, Simon. I honestly don’t think either of them would beat around the bush with you. They don’t do nice things for you because they owe you or anything like that, and you certainly don’t owe them anything in return. I’m positive that they aren’t doing it expecting reciprocation. They do those things for you because they love and care about you.” 

“Really?” 

“Of course, Simon. Do you do nice things for them out of a sense of obligation, or because you care?” 

“Because I care, they’re my friends.” 

“Exactly.” She says, leaning back in her chair. “It’s the same thing, Simon. Put yourself in their shoes. If the tables were turned, would you do anything for them?” 

“No matter what.” I say.  _ No question _ . 

“Then there you go.” 

“Oh, Crowley I fucked up.” I say, burying my face in my hands. 

“What is it?” 

“I need to find Baz.” 

“That’s not your worst idea, kid.” 

“Thank you, Carolyn, sorry it’s so late.” 

“It’s the middle of the afternoon, Simon. American, remember?” 

“Oh, right. Sorry.” 

“It’s fine, Simon. Go get your man.” She says, waving before she ends the call. I breathe out.  _ Fuck _ . 

* * *

Monday 

I’ve been looking for Baz in the hallways between classes in case he’s been lurking, but I haven’t seen him all day. He won’t answer my phone calls or my texts, but I know he’s at school. He doesn’t miss class unless there’s an emergency. It’s raining, and I know he wouldn’t miss the opportunity to enjoy the weather, but he’s not outside either. 

At lunch, I decide to check the library. We go there sometimes when it’s pouring, because even though he likes the rain, it makes my hair get all frizzy and stick to my skin. I enter quietly, and check the first floor for any sign of him. The librarian clears her throat at me, and I turn. She’s staring at me expectantly, frowning. 

“Sorry, looking for someone.” I explain, and she doesn’t say anything before turning her attention elsewhere. 

I step down the stairs, fully entering the room, and head to the back where there are tables for group studying. As I turn a corner around a shelf, I stop, spotting Baz’s signature dark hair. He’s sitting with a red headed guy who's smiling and pointing to something in the textbook between them. Then, he laughs brightly and places a hand on Baz’s arm.  _ Oh.  _ A wave of uncomfortable, prickling heat washes over me.  _ So this is what jealousy feels like _ . I hesitate, unsure if I should interrupt, when he notices me. He says something to Baz, and when he points, Baz turns sharply in his chair. 

I don’t see his expression because I’m already halfway up the stairs. 

**Baz**

“Thanks for helping me study, Basilton,” Enzo smiles at me as I approach the table he’s chosen. He’s always smiling at me, it’s unsettling. 

“Sure,” I nod as I sit, already bored. Professor Wright said I should tutor some of the other students in the class since I’m so ‘well-versed’ in Gothic Literature. I reluctantly agreed, but only because I’m hoping it’ll take my mind off Snow. “What did you have questions about?” 

“Well, the entire chapter, really,” Ezno answers, blushing sheepishly. “I don’t really know what I was expecting when I decided to take this class, but it wasn’t this.” 

“Did you expect to just read Jane Eyre and then call it a day?” 

“Well, no. I thought we’d be reading Edgar Allen Poe.” 

“Poe is poetry, Ezno. And he’s overrated,” I roll my eyes.

“Poe is not overrated,” Enzo laughs. 

“Agree to disagree,” I reply cooly. Enzo doesn’t notice, instead turning his attention to his textbook. 

“Alright, Charlotte and Emily Bronte. Are they related?” He asks, pointing to the page. 

“They’re sisters, Enzo. Crowley, did you even read the chapter?” I frown. This kid will surely be the end of me. 

“I skimmed it?” Enzo laughs and puts his too-warm hand on my sleeve. Then suddenly, he stops laughing, something else having caught his attention. “Hey, do you know that guy? He’s staring at you.” Enzo points, and I turn, ready to bite someone’s head off. I’m so tired of people staring at me. 

It’s Simon. Or, it was. He’s already turning behind a shelf. 

“That’s my boyfriend,” I say, before turning back to Enzo. “I need to go, I apologize. We can reschedule. And although I’m happy to help you study, Enzo, please be more prepared next time, and please refrain from touching me. I’m your tutor, not your friend. Read the chapter and text me when you have questions.” I stand, grab my backpack, and try not to sprint from the library. 

I don’t know where he’ll go. Maybe he’ll go to class, maybe he’ll go to the tree, but I know where he usually goes when he’s upset. So I dig my keys out of my backpack and make my way over to Simon’s flat. 

**Penelope**

I’ve tried to mind my own business, really, I have. But I can’t help it when Simon and Baz involve me in their business. When my phone buzzes, I think nothing of it. But Simon Snow is not one for subtlety or secrets. The boy damn near told everyone Baz was a vampire in fifth year. So when he tells me about his arguments with Baz, I usually just brush it off. Another day in paradise, I say. But this is different. This is jaw dropping. This is scarring, earth shattering, and terribly, horribly,  _ none of my business _ .

_ Baz: Nuclear Snow incoming. _

Then, as if on cue, the door bursts open, sending a huge gust of wind towards where I’m sitting on the couch, causing my papers go flying everywhere.

“Simon!” I yelp after he’s practically smashes our door down. “What is going on?” He’s panting like he’s been running, which I’m sure at some point he was. 

“It’s...Baz…” he says between breaths. He shuts the door behind him.

“You found him?” I ask, gathering my papers and settling back into the couch. 

“Oh, I found him alright. In the library.  _ Flirting! _ ” Simon yells and throws his backpack across the room. “It’s been less than a week and he’s already playing the field. We’re not even broken up!” 

“Si, are you sure that’s what you saw?” I ask gently. 

“I have eyes, Penelope. One second they were both looking at a textbook, next the fucker had his hands on my boyfriend!” Simon shouts as he begins to pace back and forth in front of me. His breathing is heavy, labored. 

“Could they possibly have just been studying? It is, you know, a library.” 

“ _ Penny _ ,” Simon whines. “I know what I saw.” 

“Did he say anything to you?” 

“No,” 

“Why not?” 

“Because I...I ran?” Simon shrugs and finally comes to collapse next to me on the couch. “I didn’t know what else to do, Pen. I was so jealous, and so angry, and so hurt, that I knew I couldn’t face him.” 

I take a deep breath and rest a hand gently on his knee. “Do you think maybe that’s how he was feeling when he saw Hunter touching you?” 

“It’s not the same,” Simon sighs and throws an arm over his face. 

“Isn’t it?” 

“I...I don’t know, Pen. I’m so out of my element. Ever since Baz and I started dating I haven’t had to question his feelings for me, even for a second. But recently I’ve been getting all in my head about it, and second guessing everything. Then after my call with Carolyn last night I knew I’d messed up and needed to fix it, but I was feeling good. I thought that if I saw him today I wouldn’t be able to control myself. I thought I’d throw myself at him. But then I saw him in the library with that guy, and everything just fell apart,” Simon says quietly, his voice strained. I look up and see tears on his cheeks. 

“Simon, I think you need to talk to Baz about this. I was serious yesterday. Give him a chance to explain what you saw, explain to him what he saw on Friday. Explain how you’ve been feeling--clear the air. He needs to hear it and so do you. You need to say it to him so you can finally get it out of your system. It’s killing you, I can tell.” 

“I wouldn’t even know where to start, Pen. I wouldn’t even know where to find him,” Simon sighs. 

“I don’t think that’s going to be a problem, actually,” I say, knowing full well that Baz is going to come through our flat any minute. 

As if on cue,  _ again _ , there’s a soft knock on the door. Simon sits up sharply, and I feel him tense. 

“Do you think that’s Baz?” He whispers. 

“I think you could answer that question super easily all by yourself,” I say, rising from the couch and gathering my books and papers into my arms. “I’m going down to the cafe, text or call if there’s an emergency. I’ll give you guys some space,” I tell him, and he smiles weakly. 

“Thanks, P,” He sighs. 

“Don’t say I never did anything for you,” I sigh, and then I swing open the door. Baz is standing there with his fist raised, poised to knock again. 

“Oh, hi Bunce,” He says flatly. 

“Baz,” I nod, before slipping past him. “Fix it. I don’t care how, just make it better. He’ll be the death of me otherwise.” I whisper to him. Then as I walk down the stairs, I shout: “You boys be good, don’t break anything!” 

**Baz **

Bunce has just left, and I’m standing on the landing like a wanker, staring at my boyfriend. He’s sitting stiffly on their couch, and his eyes are red like he’s been crying. I should say something, I should clarify. Hell, maybe I should just start yelling and hope it helps, I just don’t--

“Baz,” Simon says, pulling me back to the present. “What are you doing?” His voice is small. Too small. 

“Snow,” I start, but words don’t come. He’s staring at me warily, like I’m some kind of animal about to pounce, so I decide to evade his glare by hiding. 

Entering the flat, I close the door gently behind me, and slip off my shoes. I avoid Simon’s eyes as I bee-line it straight to their kitchen, where Bunce already prepped the kettle and two mugs. I sigh with relief. 

I try to keep myself from looking at Simon under the cupboards, but I can’t help myself. He’s so lovely, even after he’s been crying. His cheeks are gently flushed, his eyes are sparkling, and his mouth, though currently set in a frown, his soft and inviting. He’s not looking at me, preferring to pick at the skin on his thumbs instead. It’s a nasty habit, one that only manifests when he’s nervous, and I cringe at the memory of him sitting in the quad, and of him running from the library. 

To be perfectly honest, I don’t know what happened. We had an intense conversation, then he avoided me. I tried to find him to make it right, and I saw him being doted on by some Normal guy. Then today he ran from me in the library. My relationship is hanging on by a thread, and I haven’t the slightest idea how to fix it.

“Snow,” I say again, and he hums, but doesn’t look my way. I sigh, pour the hot water, and take the cups with me back into the living room. I settle myself down next to him on the couch, and place the tea down on the table. “What’s going on?” I whisper. 

“You tell me, Baz,” He says, still picking at his thumbs. I reach for his hands, and he stills. So I let my hand fall back into my lap.

“Simon, please,” I beg. “Tell me what I did wrong, and give me an opportunity to fix it,” 

“I--” He pauses. Then he growls and throws himself up from the couch. “I know what you saw on Friday, Baz, but it wasn’t what it looked like, okay? I tried to go after you but you just walked away. I tried calling you. Then today I spent all morning looking for you, only to find you in the library with some  _ guy _ \--” He spits. “I don’t understand why you wouldn’t just answer your phone,” He cries. 

“Answer  _ my _ phone?” I gape. “I tried texting and calling you every day last week, Snow. You rejected every single one of my attempts to reach out. I knew something was wrong, but you just pushed me away. How was I supposed to react when I see you sitting with a bunch of strangers, in  _ our spot _ , and one of them has his hands in your hair?” 

“It wasn’t what it looked like, Baz!” Simon shouts and rings his hands through his hair. 

“Then what was it, Snow?” I shout back, my anger causing my magic to rise to my skin. He must be able to smell it because he takes a step back. 

“After our conversation on Monday I thought I needed to give you space,” He says quietly. “I wasn’t lying when I told you I felt like a burden, and I didn’t believe you when you said I wasn’t. That’s why I didn’t answer my phone. I didn’t know what to say. Not to you, not to Penny, not even to Carolyn. So I tried to hang out with some Normals just to see how it felt, and I spent every second of Friday just wishing I was sitting with you under our tree instead of them. Then I saw you watching us and I knew what it looked like, and it made me sick,” he explains. I can feel myself soften as I watch him unravel, and I just want to pull him down into me.

“Then Merlin and Morgana, today I nearly lost it. I thought ‘he’s doing this to get back at me,’ but then I remembered every single time you told me that I was it for you, that this was forever, and I felt like a complete fucking arse,” He says. 

“I wouldn’t do that to you, Simon,” I whisper. 

“And I wouldn’t do it to you either, Baz, please believe me,” he begs. He’s still standing across the room, but his shoulders are slumped. He looks tired. 

“Come sit down,” I say, ushering him over. After a beat, he sits down next to me, gingerly. 

“I’m sorry, Baz,” He whispers. “I should have trusted you. I should have talked to you.” 

“Yes, you should have. But I should have too, and I’m sorry as well,” I sigh, and this time when I reach for his hand, he lets me take it. I sigh with relief. “I don’t know exactly what you saw in the library today, but it was less than nothing. Some bloke from my Gothic Literature class needed tutoring, and he’s apparently a bit handsy. Nothing happened, I promise. I wasn’t even sitting at the table for ten minutes before you showed up,” I explain, and his eyes soften. He looks  _ very _ tired. 

“Baz,” He starts. 

“Simon, I love you. I know that I don’t say it very often because it scares me, but I mean it. You are my very best friend, and the love of my life. If I ever lost you, I’d probably just keel over and die. You’re the single most important thing in my life, and I don’t ever want you to forget that. If I have to tell you every morning so that you don’t, I will.” He laughs, and then he leans into me and I let him, swinging my legs up onto the couch so that we’re laying down. I press a kiss to his head, then I continue. “Please don’t pull away from me, I just want to be here for you.” 

“I know, and I’m sorry. I talked to Carolyn last night and she basically told me I was being an idiot,” he says against my shirt.

“Your therapist called you an idiot?” 

“Not in so many words, no,” he laughs. “She told me trust you. And I realized that she was right, of course, but that it’s what I should have been doing all along. I should have trusted you and Penny when you guys told me I wasn’t a burden, and that me not having magic wasn’t a hassle. But I didn’t, and I’m sorry.” He says. 

“Simon, you don’t need to apologize for that. I know it’s hard for you to trust people. For Crowley’s sake, I know it’s hard to trust me, especially after the eight years of torment I put you through. You don’t need to apologize to me for anything,” I tell him, and he exhales as he relaxes into me further. 

“I love you too, Baz.” 

“I know, Simon,”

“I just wanted to say it,” He sighs. 

“Well you could say it again, if you like,” I murmur. I feel him shake against me, and I realize that he’s laughing, _ hard _ . “Simon?” 

“Merlin, Baz, I’m so crazy about you,” He says against my shirt. “I think sometimes I’ll lose my mind with it.” 

“Oh, Simon, you have no idea,” I say, before I hook my leg around his and flip him underneath me. “You drive me absolutely insane.” I say, and before I can say anything else, his mouth is on mine. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you so much for reading. You guys are amazing!   
Remember, comments and kudos make my day!  
Also, you can find me on twitter @cold_ramen and Tumblr @captain-sass-pants 
> 
> See you next week!


End file.
